Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Tasering Steve Consalvi Was an Excellent Idea

Special thanks to 17-year-old Steve Consalvi for playing his part in a debate that lingers in the mind of many rebellious teenagers the world over.

The debate being, should I act like a complete idiot to make my friends laugh at any expense, or should I behave like a decent and perhaps even mature young adult and enjoy the fact that my friends already like me for who I am?

By charging onto Citizens Bank Field last night during a Phillies–Cardinals game, and subsequently getting his juvenile butt tasered, Penn State-bound High School Senior Steve Consalvi has effectively taken the bat out of the hands of many a confused class clown.

The message to them is: that crap my fly in your homeroom or at your best friend's sleepover, but not on a Major League proving ground, and not in the new millennium, where images of bomb-toting terrorists and knife-wielding subterranean's are firmly implanted on our fragile post-modern psyches.

The fact that Consalvi spoke to his father about running on the field is strike two against this family. Mr. Consalvi, who said "I don't recommend him running on the field, but I don't think they should have tasered him at all," is guilty of that all-too-familiar flaw of modern American parents these days: wanting to be buddies with his child instead of wanting to properly prepare his child for the real world.

Why Consalvi's dad couldn't find the necessary words to talk his son out of his clown act is befuddling. He had the chance to save the kid from humiliation and he couldn't get it done. Allowing your son to soldier on in his delusion is not helping anybody. It's like letting your slowest runner try to steal home with no outs and the bases loaded. It simply shouldn't have happened.

But it did happen. It's happened before and when it happens it isn't always harmless. Need I mention Monica Seles' stabbing incident in Germany, or the strange and violent assault on Royals first base coach Ron Gamboa in 2002?

There is so much debate about whether or not tasering Consalvi was going over the top. Couldn't they just have cuddled him to the ground? Maybe they should have just let him run around until he fell down from exhaustion - isn't that they way most parents deal with their kids these days?

C'mon people. There is no debate here. I'm sure Consalvi is a nice kid, and apparently he didn't mean any harm out there on the outfield. But now way in hell can the security forces at the ballpark assume this. He's got to be tasered - AT THE VERY LEAST!

And now that this incident is making front page news all over the country, we can be thankful to Steve Consalvi for doing a valuable service for the rest of those class clowns out there. This is a lesson that everybody can learn.

Sports are religion in this country kids.

Stay off the damn field!